Peachy preachy
Alex Carter - May 1st, 2008And so it is: the shorter story. No love, no glory. I could just have Damien Rice provide the narrative for all that I mean to say in this, my final segment of “CheekShots,” but to be quite real with you, I am too talky a person to give up any chance for blab. Therefore, let’s have a straight-up, old-timey s***-shooting fest – one last one for the road.
Fortunately, this is a fine time for it. Turns out the whole country has finally traversed the final inch of soil and is now a full six feet under. How do I know? Kids, President George W. Bush is slated for an appearance on Deal or No Deal this week. The contestant is a U.S. veteran who has served in Iraq three times and sports a Bronze Star and Purple Heart. Dubya is supposed to provide morale and express gratitude as the soldier makes crucial decisions, such as such as whether to say “deal” or to say “no deal.” I wonder if he will act with fiscal conservatism?
All that is nice, but does anyone else find this troubling? Not surprising, but troubling beyond description? I know that politics and media go hand in hand, but the fact that the White House is using a popular game show to boost its ratings tells much about American priorities.
Woah, hey! I hardly mean for my last turn in newsprint to ring preachy. But that’s just what’s going to happen. Because on the topic of international superpowers, Vladimir Putin is set to marry a 24-year-old Russian gymnast named Alina Kabaeva. The reigning president of the former U.S.S.R. is 55-years-old and a recent divorcé. I suppose French president Nicolas Sarkozy, whose marriage to ex-supermodel Carla Bruni stirred headlines last year, has brought the wedding of power to youth and beauty a la mode.
More preaching. After all, this is a column devoted to my opinions. Covet them! This is your last chance.
According to Tom Cruise, Victoria Beckham only consumes 900 calories a day. He voiced the fact out of concern for his thinning wife, Katie Holmes, who apparently copies Posh’s diet of seaweed shakes, frozen grapes and edamame. I took nutrition this semester and can tell you with confidence that this kind of repeated calorie deficit is enough to plummet a body into starvation mode. How did these women have the bone mass to give birth? Get well!
One more kavetch. Since I’ve proved myself a worthy couples’ counselor throughout the course of this column, Beyonce, I am compelled to ask: why did you marry Jay-Z? I remember seeing a commercial on MTV years ago featuring your now-husband making you fetch him champagne and then saying something mean to you. I forget what you were selling, but it was meant to be very funny.
And how, two weeks into your marriage, he asked a DJ at a party you two were attending to stop playing your song “Crazy In Love.” You got pissed and I am glad. Get out while you can, B—you’re too good for that.
Signing off.